I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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