Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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