Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
