I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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