How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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