he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
