Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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