if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
