Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
