Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
