i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
