It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
