If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
