Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
