why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
