it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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