textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Green mimosas i think yes
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
