Got a toothbrush?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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