you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had to cum in my sink.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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