Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
