Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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