I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
