So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
