trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
