My room smells like vodka and shame
My liver just broke up with me...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
