Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
