i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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