Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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