I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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