Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
