do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
