I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
