the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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