You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
