No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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