Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
