just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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