I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
