I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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