seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
