Tell her she can't have a vagina
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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