I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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