You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
