there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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