just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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