Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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