theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My vagina just clenched in fear
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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