planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
