Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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