im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
