Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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