Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i think my cat just said my name.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
