i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
