..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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