lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
