Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
