when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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