ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize