i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
