I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just had sex on a roof
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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