I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
