I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
