I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
