You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I could fuck to npr.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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