Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
A+ Viking dick
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize