Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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